I Think I Have..

E.S.D.

Extreme Sneeze Disorder.

For reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll girlllllll.

School Is Hard

Especially since I'm not very .... schooly on the inside. Ya know?

blam blam

blam mbram bram. mbam.

bdudb gotz bop newt ben. spudam yam yam mam.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

"The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

- Maya Angelou

Story of our planet. There is hope of freedom my friends, hope of a love that is not bound by the restrictions of this restless world. This hope and this love are endless and very real.

ddfsnj

There is absolutely nothing that makes me feel more like crap than arguing. I absolutely hate it with every fiber in me. I hate it so bad. Prideful arguing just destroys relationships and tears down people. I hate it I hate it.

Beatitudes

This is one of the hardest/best nights of my life. It is war on the inside. I can't remember the last time I've felt this much pain. I've spent the last couple years trying to avoid feeling pain... but I don't want to run from it anymore. Yes it hurts, but it's in the pain that Jesus speaks the loudest. He is here for the broken. He is holding me so close. I don't know why I ever want to "have it all together". That is a scary place to be, because that is me relying on me.... and that gets me nowhere every time.

Cry out to God friends. He is listening and waiting and He loves us so dearly. I can't understand why. But it is SO evident...everywhere. I can't ignore it for long....even when I try hard to.

"...and he began to teach them saying:

³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven...."

Jesus is the only source of life, light, joy, and love. I want those things and I want Him.

Passion

That is something that I am really starting to learn about.

Passion: "The degree of difficulty you are willing to endure to accomplish the goal." - J-Lew

My passion is often misplaced... and from me. Anything from me is not going to get me far at all. THAT is for sure!! I just want to honor God so bad and follow Him everywhere, but I reallllly need to just slow down, and re examine a lot of things in my life. My passion is going to fail and lead to nothing every time. I need to learn to take life day by day, and trust that if I am willing, then God will place His passion in me and will grow and nurture it to be actually something worth while and something that will endure and be used for His purposes.

Man I never realized I have such a hard time trusting.

Gah. Its hard being a dreamer sometimes.

Man!!!!

Everyone around me is hurting so bad. There is so much pain and I wish I could make it all better right away. I wish me loving them was enough to heal those wounds in like 5 min.

Well the reality is the wounds are heal-able. Please don't give up my friends!!!!!!!!! There is hope in Jesus and there is hope in Love! Please keep up the fight.

Thanks TC

Never Explain

"Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it."

Just Being Honest

I am so encouraged because so many people that God used in the Bible to do huge things were seriously dense idiots. ha. There were lots of very intelligent powerful people but when it came down to it... they were as dense as me. God would show them right in front of their face how powerful He is and how He can deliver them from anything, but when it came time for action they were still doubtful and scared and forgetful. It so often was a process of learning for them and a process of trying again and trying again. Good thing God is faithful and patient!! haha. ohhhhh silly people.

Im really happy today!!! I think it could have something to do with the fact that I got 13 hours of sleep last night! ha.

EXHAUSTED

But "it is well with my soul."

This weekend = girls night, negev, car crash, and finallllllly mishpocha. Dang. It felt better than ever to see those guys. It blows my mind how much I love them. I am very relaxed yet very exhausted.

La Alma

Bike rides sure are good for the soul.

P.s. Tonights gunna be a LATE night. I predict 3am sleep time.

WOW

2010 NAS summer tour is going to be Australia, Tasmania, and Hong Kong.

ohhh mannnn. I would love to go. This is going to be an AMAZING tour.

Thankful

I am so thankful for love.

OK.

So.

I know that my birthday is not for quite a while... wait let me think..5 months away bahahha.

OK.

So.

I know that my birthday is not for 5 months.

However, as I was sitting here, writing my essay on the legal drinking age... I just decided that I want to have a "Wild Rumpus" birthday party. I usually don't like doing things for my birthday.... but if it was gunna be a wild rumpus... that would be very different. I hope I remember by then. It will be fun. Everyone can dress up however they want and it will be ok to be weird. (assuming other people also like to dress weird). And at the beginning we can yell, LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!

If no one else thinks thats a good idea.... its ok. I'll just invite Kelsey, and she'll be obligated to come cause shes my best friend.

Edger.

Edger. Story.

Ain't No Reason

I really always liked this song. Tonight I actually listened to what its talking about haha. The music video is a tad cheesy, but I LOVE what it communicates. (Though I still just never pictured Brett Dennen as a ginger).

Download..

... the Cornerstone Simi audio podcast, if you don't listen to it.

Listen to (well.... listen to allll of the podcasts..) but listen to "God is Strong. Am I?" Its so true, and so refreshing.

... Its about what I accidentally got into a debate with a 50 year old man over this weekend. ... I debate a lot of 50 year old men these days. ( I don't even want to). It is just something I have to stand my ground on. It had to do with scripture, and it had to do with "playing it safe".

Oi.

Friends are..

... a breath of fresh air. THANK YOU thank you thank you God for my friends.

Cuba

... you are hurtful. I just want to visit your country.

p.s. every time I make an entry on here... I feel like a traitor. I feel like I should give this time to my journal. This is my current one. Its almost done.

New Page

Let's just put it this way.... I have never done more crying in a three day span before. I think I actually felt real feelings this weekend for the first time in a LONG time. Really. I didn't realize how much I've been living on surface level everything.

This weekend was beyond words. By Sunday night, I was deeply joyful, sorrowful, terrified, pissed off, humble, uncomfortable, passionate, broken, healed, bold, content, real... really. I felt (and am still feeing) all of those things.... and it feels so good. I feel alive for the first time in a while. It feels so good to know that my heart is still made of flesh, and that it is still beating. How did I get to that place of stone cold complacency? That is some scary scary stuff. It felt so good to actually be moved by the Words of God, and to break over the contrast of what they are saying, and what my life looks like.

This weekend was nothing short of a wake up call.

Think twice about what you pray for... Some of my main prayers this last week have been of this nature: Open up my eyes. Let me just get a glimpse of who You really are, not who I think You are. Humble me. Let me mean what I'm saying. Convict me. Change me. Give me a passion for your Word and for You. And my favorite prayer ever "Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen, Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours, Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity." (which is from a song.. if you don't know.)

Well, in a span of 72 hours, God radically answered all those.. and WAY more. I'm exhausted...and it feels INCREDIBLE.

Sometime, in the last few months, and especially in the last few weeks, I, for some ridiculous reason, decided I knew everything and could do life on my own. Its not like I was thinking those words... but that was what was going on. I have been filled with SO much pride. Its crazy. I've basically been like.. ok God, I'm ready, so now I can do all these great things for you.

Pride strangles the soul.

Friday night I went to The Well. (Harvest's college group). It was such a refreshing gift. It was so good to be challenged and rebuked. You know...being rebuked (in love) is like the best gift ever. Anyway. Afterward, I got to sit down with my friend Alyssa. It was such a good time of fellowship. God was just putting one thing after another, after another, after another to confess to her and to repent of in front of her. We talked and prayed for a long time. We seriously just laughed for so long at what fools we are!!!! Seriously, I am so foolish. I think I have so much to say and offer, but I don't. I can't even do the common sense things in my life... like read that words that I claim to believe are instructions from the God that created everything. I feel like if I truly 100% believed that, my life would look a WHOLE lot different.

Sat morning, I went on a run, and did normal.. morning.. things. I was about to go out to San Bernardino to hang out with my Auntie for the day, and for some reason I thought of this. I have seen it a million times, but for some reason that time.... it just broke me. It was the final straw. I was crying so so so hard. I think it was because reality was starting to sink in. I was further remembering the reality of my life... that it's not all about me, and that I don't have it all figured out. That God is simply looking for me to walk with Him.. to talk with Him.. to be with Him. Later that night my aunt asked me to stay the night. I didn't really want to, cause then I would have to get up earlier... but am I ever glad that I did. We started talking about everything. Mostly about our family though. We started praying, and about half way through... I was convicted. I realized that I don't pray with the tiniest bit of faith most of the time. I don't believe that God will actually do what I ask. I confessed that to God, and He really changed my heart. Me and my auntie just spent hours praying and weeping for our family. It is a mess. It is full of so much pain, and so much confusion. It felt so good to be real with someone, to hurt with someone, to cry with someone, and to just beg God for change and for mercy with someone (actually believing our prayers were going "above the ceiling"). As we talked I realized so much. One huge thing I realized, is how much I walk around afraid. I am afraid that God won't come through. I am afraid to talk to my friends and family about God because of whatever stupid reason comes up at the moments. I am afraid I don't have what it takes.. for anything. I am afraid making wrong decisions.. the list goes on. She reallllllllllly encouraged me about my future in the Lord. For the first time in a long time, I was not just thinking "I know." in my head. Every word she said hit deep inside.

Then. Came. Sunday.

I went to church on Sunday with all of this stuff already on my heart. With the burden of my lost family members, and my lost friends heavily on my heart. (They are everyday, but more so than normal.) Pastor Alan opened up in Ezekiel 2. This part stuck out. "Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me; they and their fathers have been in revolt against me to this very day. ⁴ The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says.' ⁵ And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious house—they will know that a prophet has been among them. ⁶ And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. ⁷ You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious."

Then he moved to a passage out of Ezekiel 18. "²¹ "But if a wicked man turns away from all the sins he has committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, he will surely live; he will not die. ²² None of the offenses he has committed will be remembered against him. Because of the righteous things he has done, he will live. ²³ Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?"

Right around here.. I just lost it. I kept thinking about my family and friends. I have been so wrapped up in me, me, me. It is disgusting. God has even very specifically given me a certain message to give one of my cousins, and I never have. How can I say I love these people, yet not tell them the truth in love?

Then pastor Alan showed us this video. It is from Penn Jillette, a famous magician, and die hard atheist.

.... guilty. GUILTY GUILTY. I am such a fool! I've always known this deep inside. This consumes all my thoughts sooo many days. There came a point last year where I wrote some friends apologizing for this very thing. I knew that I couldn't say that I loved them, but not tell them the truth. "How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that ever lasting life is possible and not tell them that?" Seriously. I am more guilty that man even realizes. What He doesn't realize is that people can know God NOW. Its not even just about eternal life. That empty void can be filled, and the pain can be comforted today. Oh man, I absolutely lost it at this part. Like not the kind of crying where you can silence it. I was like snorting and gasping for air... the works. I couldn't stop.

Then. Alan read this... Ezekiel 33:1-10 (This was the message given to Ezekiel for the people of Israel. " ¹ The word of the LORD came to me: ² "Son of man, speak to your countrymen and say to them: 'When I bring the sword against a land, and the people of the land choose one of their men and make him their watchman, ³ and he sees the sword coming against the land and blows the trumpet to warn the people, ⁴ then if anyone hears the trumpet but does not take warning and the sword comes and takes his life, his blood will be on his own head. ⁵ Since he heard the sound of the trumpet but did not take warning, his blood will be on his own head. If he had taken warning, he would have saved himself. ⁶ But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes the life of one of them, that man will be taken away because of his sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for his blood.'

⁷ "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. ⁸ When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. ⁹ But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.

¹⁰ "Son of man, say to the house of Israel, 'This is what you are saying: "Our offenses and sins weigh us down, and we are wasting away because of ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} them. How then can we live?" ' ¹¹ Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, O house of Israel?'"

I thought I was crying before. What an evil and wicked friend I am. aerieufnhdiuvnhdiuofvnhjiudfgniv. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so selfish and wrapped up in me? Who cares if a friend doesn't like me if I tell them they need God... how can I possibly love them and not tell them? Friends and family... I am so deeply sorry for not loving you more. Forgive me. There really is a God who loves you. He has dealt so gently with me. I'm sorry for all the times that my life doesn't show that, and for all the times I don't just put an arm around you and tell you that. It is obviously not my place to try and"proselytize" anyone, as Penn puts it (convert), however it absolutely is my place to just share

the beauty of the truth that I know, and pray that God opens up hearts to His truth.

This weekend was such a blessing. I received so much love and gentle correction... but woe to me if my life looks no different now... today.. then it did last week. What do I possibly have to fear?

Today I have some simple reminders graffitied on everything. haha. The front cover of my Bible reads " This is not my message, it's Gods message." I also have :

People at school always ask whats written on my hand and stuff. I always just show them and say.. reminders... I'm to dense to remember stuff with out it being right in front of me.

P.S. (Don't beat me mom)

Courage

"As I grow in my knowledge I want my courage and my boldness to grow with it."

word.

I want to actually look like a child of God. I want to be absolutely fearless and courageous.

Last Night..

... was SUCH a blessing. It have been refined once again. My heart has been corrected.

I have been neglecting the here and now SO badly. I've only been focused on the future. But I am such a fool to assume that I have tomorrow, much less this summer, much less 5 years.

Agreed

"We become more and more cowardly, and call it responsible. " - Francis Chan

Owie

woekmfdo. papersdfsdd.

Man Oh Man

Got this on the brain.

Not conducive to writing a paper on the zealots. I haven't started yet...a slkdjfskldvkljvhldkzsfzdfklsjfjlkdfsbldkjfsn. I need to reallllllly work on this procrastination thing. But I met some cool kids tonight, and they surf... and we talked about it all night.... and now thats where my brain is stuck.

Word.

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung."

hjbhbklk

jkjfhj!!! wehshhhh!

Does ...

..anybody else love JET as much as me?? Sooooooo goooood. It seems I've never heard anyone talk much about them, but I feel like they are as good as they come.

P.S. Look at THIS!! Ooooooh! Oooooooh! PICK ME!!! PLEASE!

We..

.. CAN.

May...

...my life shine this bright.

(wow. creation is BEAUTIFUL btw)

Creativity

Is liberating, beautiful, and refreshing in this stuffy, dark, routine world.

WHEW

I am burning with fury and passion today at just a taste of injustice. I am seeing a first hand glimpse of what slavery looks like and what it does to people.

Man, fighting evil with love, gentleness, and truth is NOT for the coward.

All of this lead me to thinking about slavery on a global level. There are millions of people enslaved to other people all over the world. It is disgusting!!! They do not belong to people!! They are the creation of the God that crafted the universe, the oppressed, and the oppressors. They are not a number. They are someones mom, dad, niece, brother, and best friend. They all have names and favorite colors. They all have eternal souls. Man I am so ignorant to what is really going on in the world.

All of these thoughts brought me to research. This is the first thing I have found.

I Do Dare

"What is, therefore, our task today? Shall I answer: “Faith, hope, and love”? that sounds beautiful. But I would say – courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature… we lack a holy rage – the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth … a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God’s earth, and the destruction of God’s world. To rage when little children must die of hunger, when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the treat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God. And remember the signs of the Christian Church have been the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove, and the Fish … but never the chameleon."

I am so torn. Deep in my heart, I cannot deny that these are my desires. I desire to be hopelessly reckless for Jesus, going anywhere at anytime to do anything happily. Being willing to give up my life at every second. So much says no though. Like culture, church, my parents.

I guess I must go to the word of God alone. I want to be responsible and a good steward of my life and everything I have.... but DANG IT! I only have on life!!!! I simply cannot just keep it for the sake of keeping it. What foolishness. Again, I am torn, and again, I must go to the words of God.

Not to Us..

... but yo YOUR name, be the glory.

This Life...

..is so full of death and destruction. Thats all it is at all apart from Jesus Christ. He is the ONLY source of life and hope and joy.

DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts so bad to see friends go through hell. My heart breaks for them, and I'm filled with fury because of the way people indulge in evil and make the innocent suffer.

Our Only Hope of a Future

"Once we get the cats maybe we can train the cats to do other cool things, and we could be a traveling cat circus of sorts and we could also make money from that, to expand into a cat farm.'

- Stephanie Waite

Letters

like tea, like the park, like the sun, like the ocean, like jazz, like naps, like family, like friends, like music, like art...

are good for the soul :)

Oh Dang

"If they come for the innocent and do not pass over our bodies, then cursed be our religion."

I desperately want my life to reflect this. How here and now?? How ever?

Ughh

Finally, I am choosing Joy again.

Man, last week was a hard week. This one will be hard too, but it's new and beautiful. I am alive, have a purpose, and am filled with joy. More than that, I am at rest in my soul. I am at peace.

Astonished

I am utterly astonished at all the blessings I have in my life. REALLY. I am so thankful. Heres a glimpse of my weekend:

I am very encouraged right now. This weekend was exactly what I needed, in every aspect.

I am so relaxed and ready to move forward this week. I am convinced that sometimes resting is the most productive thing you can do.

Thank you so so so much friends and family who love me. You mean the world to me. God uses you tremendously in my life and blesses me so much through you. I wouldn't trade you for anything ever.